Many of my friends were part of the church I attended and were very creative women. One was a weaver, one was a potter, another one quilted. So what did I do in order to raise my self-esteem and build friendships with the people I liked and had contact with on a regular basis? I learned how to needlepoint and became proficient in the Bargello style of needlepoint and even taught classes in Bargello. I decided that learning to do something with my hands and create beauty would give me a new level of knowledge, joy and pleasure. It also provided me an opportunity to make new friends through classes I took and ones I taught.

In this process I not only learned a creative art that will always be with me, but I gave myself another level of confidence. Consequently, I opened up more in my friends’ presence and was open to their opinions, thoughts, experiences and values. As we exchanged thoughts, ideas, and concerns, we also developed feelings for each other and they accepted me. No, it wasn’t quite that way. They had accepted me long before I learned needlepoint but when I felt better about myself, I could accept their care and love for me.

This particular group of friends lived close when my children were born and they were wonderful. When I look back on that period of my life, I realize the circle of friends we have when we are dealing with babies and toddlers, can be very valuable to us. They were there for me when I came home from the hospital the first time with a little 6 pound girl and didn’t know a lot about how to deal with her. They were there for me again when I brought my son home 26 months later. Those women will always be special to me. What they taught me about babies and mothering will always be part of who I am.

Thirty years later after bringing these "babies" home, I experienced another time of need for my women friends. Once again, these friendships didn’t develop because of my need for them. Some had begun over 25 years earlier; some between 8 -10 years earlier. When I knew my marriage was in its last stage of existence, I called a friend who had shared many happy and sad moments with me in the past. When we finished our 3 hour lunch on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon, she and I knew I was headed for some really rough times in my life in the next couple of years.

We were right of course. I started putting the wheels in motion to end my failing marriage and slowly informing my friends of what was happening in my life. For the next 4-5 months, there was seldom a day that one of my friends (mostly female but a few male) did not call or email to ask how I was holding up, and sometimes ask if I would like to have coffee or dinner just to chat. Several of us had experienced divorce before or been close to friends who had been through it and so we knew the stages and usual length of time the grieving process takes.

We now occasionally comment on how rapidly I progressed through all the post-divorce stages. My counselor and I feel there are two main factors which speeded my progress and lessened my grief period. One factor was that once I made my decision and shared it with my spouse, I immediately started working on goals for my future. The second, and I believe as important or more so as the first, was the consistency of support and love of my friends. They were there for me every step of the way. I still feel emotional when I recall how it felt to be so supported and carried through one of the most difficult periods of my life. Their love, comfort, and unyielding encouragement helped me arrive at where I am today.

Late in McGinnis’ book, "The Friendship Factor," he discusses the glue that holds friendships together and it is called "commitment." Even though a group of my friends get together on a regular basis and are committed to doing that and supporting each other, some of my friends are individuals who don’t know my other friends. I, however, am committed to my friendship with these individuals and make a point of seeing them as often as possible and keeping in touch by phone, email and birthday cards. Friendships are work and most of the time very rewarding.

I value all my friends and love them for their own personality, what we have in common, what we have given and received from each other through the years. We also need to remember friendships can have peaks and valleys but getting through the rough times and rejoicing in the good times will make that friendship stronger and more enduring.

Another aspect of friendship that I had to learn over the last 2 years is developing platonic friendships with men. I was married at the age of 20 and did not cultivate friendships with other men at that time. After my first divorce I wanted to remarry and felt I needed to concentrate on relationships with men that were "marriage material." I have now chosen not to remarry and consequently can look at my friendships with men differently. Some friendships may turn into long term relationships but the ones that don’t are the ones I want to discuss.

My upbringing was very conservative and religious. I was led to believe it was inappropriate to socialize with men outside our marriage except in the presence of their wives. In my work environment I did not have male friends who were part of my work friends. I now feel that there are men who I can talk to regarding different subjects such as politics, finances, world and social situations, travel and relationships with our children.  Without these friendships, I would be missing the valuable opinions of the male segment of our society.

Support System -3 (Continue)