The new clothes signified that I was becoming a different person. They weren’t seductive or sexy but they were attractive and more eye appealing. In my state of denial of problems in my marriage, I had begun to wear clothes that covered my body but didn’t project me as a woman who enjoyed being a woman. Today I dress appropriately for each occasion, and I always feel like a woman who is in love with life and herself.

Do we want to continue in the same fashions we have grown comfortable with for most of our adult life or would it give us a lift in our self-esteem and attitude to make a few changes? This is a very personal decision, and I am not encouraging every woman to go blonde at 50 but I am suggesting that we at least consider a new hair style, make up colors and colors and styles of our clothes. 

I have found that while shopping I occasionally try on something totally different from what I would usually purchase. Surprisingly, I have found that I can wear and feel comfortable in some things that I would never have dreamed of buying a few years ago. That is why we have to at least be a little open to change. It could be a major change or it could be a slow change that will take us gradually into different styles.

My questions regarding my looks as I moved into the 50s were "Do I want to continue to look like an older version of myself or do I want to take who I am and make the most of it for as long as I can as I move into the "fall and winter" of my life?"  You already know that I decided to go for it! It took a little more time each day, and I now enjoy that time and feel it very valuable to my daily attitude.

As I moved through my divorce and into my new life with less stress, my hair, skin and energy improved. About 2 years after my divorce, I had a physical exam and my physician commented on the fact that my cholesterol, triglicerides, blood pressure and a few other areas of my physical health had greatly improved. She stated that in those areas, my physical condition was level with a woman 30 years my junior.

If you have read the first article in this column, you may remember my references to Aleta Koman’s book "How to Mend a Broken Heart – Letting go and Moving On."  In this book she talks about looking in the mirror and "really seeing yourself and verbalizing what you see regarding both your physical and emotional state." I have listed below a few of Koman’s questions which you may want to ask yourself as you perform this exercise.

What kinds of emotions do I feel when I look at myself?

Does this person look in harmony with himself or herself?

Do I look tense, strained, relaxed, rested, fatigued and haggard?

Do I look well taken care of?

What other observations can I make of my physical appearance and what would I like to change about what I see in these observations of myself?

Koman is suggesting this exercise will help us verbalize what we see about ourselves both physically and emotionally. Identifying and being honest about what we see will give us a starting point to move forward. These questions help us to identify both observations of our inner and outer self.

In this particular portion of the column, I would like to dwell a little more on question number 4 "Do I look well taken care of?" One important aspect of this question is "If I don’t look well taken care of, what is the reason for that and what can I do to change it?" There are many reasons for letting our looks be low on the totem pole of priorities but one of the main reasons is that we lack self-esteem and self-love. One of our first goals should be finding ways to build our self-esteem. I have shared some of mine with you in some of the previous paragraphs and hopefully you can find some ways of your own to do this.

Others do not only see our physical appearance but also whether or not we are smiling when we look back at them, when answering the phone, when your boss gives you a task, when a co-worker asks for help – what do you think they see in your face when they look at you and you look back? My friend Veronica is a wonderful example of this. She almost always has a smile when she comes into the office in the morning. She also happens to have a very sensitive and caring boss. When she comes to work and doesn’t smile he often asks her "What is wrong?" Once she asked him why he said that to her. His response was, "I like seeing your smile when you walk in each day because it brightens my day." When I can give that gift to a few people each day then I have spread a little sunshine in the world.

I discovered through therapy the effects of tiredness/exhaustion on my daily outlook and attitude. I find that when I am very tired, have a cold or some other sort of ailment, I tend to be crabby and depressed. I used to think that the depression was causing the other problems. I learned, however, that the other problems were the root cause of the depression.

I also learned that I can prepare myself for physical pain through meditation, positive thoughts and sending warmth and light to that area of my body. I recently had this brought back to me when I had 2 surgeries within 4 weeks of each other. The first being emergency surgery and occurred 2 weeks before Christmas – one of the busiest times of the year. I had the surgery on Monday and returned to work on Wednesday and as usual, expected myself to perform in my normal energetic mode. Not only was I doing the usual holiday routine but I was making calls, setting and attending appointments for the upcoming surgery in mid January.

Of course, I didn’t allow "Wonder Woman" to slow down and recover from the first surgery because she had too much to do. I also did not properly prepare myself emotionally for the second surgery. Being alone I had to schedule people to take me to the hospital, bring me home, stay with me the first night home and be available in case I had an emergency. I have a mother in Assisted Living so I needed to have everything prepared for her comfort and needs during my own recovery.